WASTE NOT, WANT NOT

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WASTE NOT, WANT NOT

I would be thrilled to host you as a guest in my home.  If you do come, however, I must make one thing abundantly clear:  If you feel the need to use a paper towel in my kitchen, PLEASE use only one. And please make sure you tear off the smallest pre-sectioned section possible.

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Paper towels are not to be wasted on frivolous purposes such as simply wiping your hands dry after you wash them.  That’s what the kitchen towel is right there for.  The paper towels are for things like wiping grease off the floor, or wiping the dead fly off the counter that you just swatted.  And for the love of Pete and all things reusable, if you feel you must dry them with a paper towel, say if there is greasy residue or the possibility of contagion or contamination on your hands, then it is allowed.  Otherwise, use the towel.

This is what we learned as kids.  Not overtly, not dictated word-for-word, but slowly, methodically over a period of years.  We all learned that paper towels are expensive, and should not be used unless absolutely necessary.  Thus, I have stocked up on them, but only the brand that comes apart in small sheets, and only purchased when they were on sale.

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Gail and Suzanne have confirmed the same feelings, and the same policy in their homes.  Feel free to visit them as well, but expect the same rules about paper towels.

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We grew up in a farming family with seven children.  Nine mouths to feed, nine bodies to clothe, and nine people to shelter.  Our farmhouse was small and old, but big enough.  It was always full of love.

We always had enough of everything else, too.  Enough, but not much extra.  Thus, the need to conserve, economize and save.  We practiced the most original form of reduce, reuse and recycle before we even knew what we were doing; before it was cool.  It was out of necessity, and never questioned.

Laundry for nine people seemed to be a full-time job for Mom.  Some of my most vivid memories of her were in the laundry room for hours on end.  Sorting, washing, drying, sorting, folding and putting away.

Drying was an outdoor affair whenever possible.  The dryer produces heat, thus requiring more energy.    Whenever possible, the clothesline was the dryer.

Gail and I have faithfully carried on the clothesline tradition—even in the winter.  Wednesday, in the 60 degree January heat, this was the scene on my back porch:

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The very next day, this was the scene outside.

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Therefore, this was the scene in my basement.  Welcome to our fickle Kansas weather.

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Gail had a similar scene in her home:

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Her plants love the humidity from the damp clothes, she says.  I think the humans do too; the laundry acts as a humidifier in the dry winter weather as it dries.

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And the socks–she shudders at the idea of her college-age son drying his socks in the dryer all the way when he does laundry in the dorm, and so do I, now that she brought that to my attention regarding my son.  That, as we should all know, weakens the elastic, thus reducing the longevity of the sock.

WASTE NOT.

My husband built our house, and when we moved in 21 years ago on March 1st, I said, “just string me up a temporary clothesline on the back porch.  When the weather gets warmer, you can put one up in the backyard.”  I changed my mind.  It is now known as our redneck clothesline, because I hang our clothes on the porch.  It was just too easy to step out the back door, hang them up and call it good.  And, by the way, I am proud to call myself a redneck.  Its origin is the fact that hard work in the sunshine may create a sunburned/suntanned neck.

When Gail and her husband moved into their home as newlyweds, she issued an ultimatum:  Either replace that rinky-dink umbrella clothesline in the backyard with a REAL one, or else…He quickly complied, she reported.  

I do use my dryer when I cannot hang clothes out, but not to fully dry each load.  Call me crazy, but I use it as little as possible.  I may give each load a bit of a whirl to minimize wrinkles, but then I hang them on the bar stools, or wherever they will go.  I even purchased a deluxe drying rack, which probably hasn’t paid for itself yet, but it will in time.  It’s the principle.

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Gail will concur; she, too hangs out laundry whenever she can.  Suzanne, however, is not the clothesline enthusiast we are.  And that’s okay.

When Suzanne’s daughter was about three, they visited and stayed over.  They did a load of laundry, and used the dryer.  This was in April.  In October, when I used the dryer again, I found a pair of her daughter’s pants.

Mystery solved, but she had likely grown out of them by then.

Speaking of appliances that generate heat—and are thus more expensive to run—I baked a turkey breast for dinner tonight on this cold, snowy day.  When I took it out, I turned off the oven and opened the door a bit to let the heat out, hopefully to give our heater a miniscule boost.  Every time I do, I hear Mom’s voice: “We’ve already paid for it.  We might as well use the heat.”    So we do.

Gail attended a baby shower yesterday, and when the guest of honor stacked up all the gift bags and proceeded to the trashcan with them, Gail swooped in, saving them from a certain, wasteful death.  She told me today she even saves the tissue paper, giving it the royal steam treatment to make it wrinkle free for its next incarnation.  If she doesn’t use the bags or the paper, she will pass them on to someone who will.

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She’s brilliant and frugal.

I took my boots off–one of several pair of perfectly-fitting winter-weather boots I now own–this evening after a long, cold, busy Friday, and smiled at my own handiwork:  the sloppy, yet effective mending job I had performed on each sock around the big toe was still holding, and here’s my secret:

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Socks were not to be simply thrown away when they became holey.  Oh, no no, they were to be mended.  Mom taught us to simply insert the lightbulb, push it down to the toes—or the heels, wherever the hole was—and use the hard surface of the bulb to make the stitching easier.

In my continued efforts to purge, however, I must confess I actually threw away an otherwise perfectly good pair of black knee socks several weeks ago.  The guilty pleasure was worth it, but I have another pair I plan to mend with the bulb.  I can’t let myself waste more than one pair.

Speaking of footwear, my husband delights in retelling the story of his childhood that lacked overshoes.  They, too, were frugal out of necessity, and snow boots were a luxury.  They simply saved plastic bread sacks, slipped them over their shoes, secured them around their ankles with a rubber band, and it worked.  It had to.  There were four kids to feed, clothe, shelter and shoe in their home.

I sent a draft of this to Gail and Suzanne, and they reminded me that our family did that, too. It seems there were never enough snow boots/overshoes to go around, so whichever kid(s) had a pair that fit,  they wore them.  The other kids wore bread sacks.  Suzanne claims that she remembers me always fitting perfectly–Cinderella-like–into one of the more deluxe pair of boots.  Perhaps that’s why I don’t remember the bread sacks.

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Given these reports of my wasting not, I’m sure you can imagine how thrilled I was to find this utensil:

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It is a miniature spatula that gets up inside the neck of a condiment bottle to scrape it out, as well as deep inside to scrape the edges, thus leaving no ketchup/mayonnaise/mustard behind.

When I spent the summers with Tana and Amy (Swheat Girls, July 9th), they would ridicule my efforts at scraping a condiment container clean. It’s empty–just throw it away!”  I can still hear them saying this all those summers ago.  Much later, when they were on their own and realized the importance of wasting not, they both acknowledged they now realized the importance of scraping the jar clean.

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Recycling as we know it now wasn’t in vogue when I was a kid, but we had our own ways of taking care of business on the farm.  Whatever would burn was burned, and the rest was taken to our own personal landfill not far from the house.  There was no such thing as trash service on the farm.  Table scraps—there weren’t many besides bones–were fed to the cats and dogs.  We ate whatever we could; clean your plate was the spoken and unspoken rule for every meal.  We weren’t allowed to be picky eaters; no such thing at a table for nine.  And whatever is left over needs to be eaten at another meal before it spoils. Knowing full well that some of the food on my plate now would look  better in the trash than on my thighs, I still struggle to leave anything there.  If I took it, I’d better eat it.

WASTE NOT.

In the last twenty years or so, I have become very faithful about recycling what I can.  Plastic, glass, newspapers, cardboard, office papers and aluminum are never thrown away in my home now.

Until about a month ago, my small city had a wonderful, self-service, privately-owned recycling center.  In a cruel twist, it was closed.  I, and its other patrons were left wondering what our options were.

It is true that when God closes one door, he opens another—but the hallways are a bitch.  In the last month or so, I found myself in this hallway.  I couldn’t bring myself to throw away all these recyclable materials; that would be so wasteful, not to mention ecologically irresponsible.

I had heard through the grapevine that a nearby town—Abilene, my Someplace Special (September 10th), and the town I work in almost every day, has a fabulous recycling center operated by the city.    I was going there anyway, so it was a no-brainer.  I loaded up my car like I always did, but took it a bit further down the road.  This door that opened was even better than the one that closed:  It is a drive-through;  no need to get out of the car because it is full service.

WASTE NOT.

If, like me, you live close to Abilene, please consider taking a little trip over there with your recyclables.  There are many restaurants and shops in Abilene too, and of course, the Eisenhower Museum.  Make it an excursion.  You won’t regret it, and I would be happy to give you advice on all the wonderful places to visit.

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Mom’s kitchen frugality was not limited to paper towels.  Aluminum foil was wiped down and reused, and plastic storage bags were washed out and reused as well.  While I am not as hell-bent on reusing plastic bags as I am limiting paper towels, I do wash and reuse them sometimes.    I rarely reuse aluminum foil.  Shame on me.

Suzanne tells me she is faithful to Mom’s policy of reusing both foil and plastic bags.

The paradox here and now is this:  I can afford to use multiple paper towels.  I can afford to throw away a pair of socks.  I can afford to buy all the Zip-lock bags my heart desires.  But the need for frugality in these particular areas is so deeply ingrained in me, that I likely never will.

And that, my friends, is not a bad thing.

Other things, perhaps, may need to be revisited.  Many of us who grew up with little extra learned—out of necessity—the value of hard work, and a lot of it.  This, too, is a good thing.

Until it’s not.

Many of us no longer work to survive, although most of us have been at that point in our lives at one time.  Many of us work for more than the necessities:  we work to pay for our lifestyle choices, myself included.  Many of us keep working more and more to pay for what amounts to less and less.  Again, sometimes this is a necessity.  It is up to you to decide, in your personal/financial life, if it is.  It is up to you to decide if the time you are spending at work is time well spent, or time that could be spent better.   Recall that the standard eight hour workday is a product of the Industrial Revolution.  We are well into the Information Age, which doesn’t always require three eight-hour shifts.  Perhaps it is perfect for you, perhaps even more than that is what you need.  Maybe it’s less.  Just think about it.

Money is a renewable commodity, time is not.  If we could bank time like we can bank money—with interest—we would all be rich.

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT.

Nobody puts their net worth, the hours they spent at work on their tombstone.  We’ve all heard that before.  We etch our loved ones, perhaps our hobbies or pets in stone to make a statement about who we were.  We don’t inscribe our possessions, nor can we take them with us.  As the legendary George Strait sings, “I ain’t never seen a hearse with a luggage rack.”

Just think about it.  I think about it, and I see how, perhaps I am talking out of both sides of my mouth.  I speak of getting rid of stuff, the beauty of purging.  I write about deciding if the hours I work, and the things I spend my money on are aligned with my values.  I see how hard it is for me, and probably for most of us.

Yet, as soon as I finish writing this, I am leaving to go to my small city to meet Suzanne at Marshall’s, one of my favorite shopping meccas.   Their semi-annual yellow-tag clearance is going on, and I want to go shopping; perhaps I want more stuff.

I want to WANT NOT, but I’m not there yet.  I am thinking about it, and thinking about what I need to change.   Awareness is the first step.  And with Suzanne, she will do her best to make me shop like a minimalist, just like she does.  At least I can say I am doing pretty good at WASTING NOT.

We welcome your comments about how you wasted not in your youth or adulthood, or both.  Perhaps more challenging than that, please let me know how you want not.

Oh, and if you need a gift idea for my April birthday, consider paper towels–you saw my favorite brand in the picture.   The toilet tissue was a great gift idea for Suzanne (Be Careful What You Wish For, August 13th), so I thought perhaps I would ask for paper towels.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

 

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SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

When my boys were perhaps ten and thirteen, I asked them what their favorite day of the week was.  Without hesitation or delay, they resoundingly answered:  “Friday.”

“But you are in school on Friday,” I replied.

My older son responded quickly:  “I know, but you know that you have the weekend ahead.”  Sullied already at this tender age.

We normally kept their intake of candy and soda to a minimum, which made them look forward to getting it.   So, in an effort to ease their Monday pain, I decided they would each be treated to a can of pop and a candy bar after school on Mondays.  For several years, this worked well.  I kept both on hand, and they loved it.  They tell me now it helped them get through Mondays.   I gave them something to look forward to.

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ADVISORY:  This post is heavy stuff, and not really funny.  I am writing about it only because it is something many of us share, but don’t share with each other.  I know the power of the group, and if I can make even a few of you feel a bit better by knowing you are not alone, then my work for the week will be done.

Oh, and there are few pictures.  Sorry, but you don’t really want to see pictures of most of this.  I promise I will do my best to bring you back up by the end.

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The post-holiday/dead-of-winter blues came calling last week.  These unwanted visitors found me, perhaps they found you, too.  They typically make their rounds this time of year, probably because they know the field is fertile, and the targets are easy to hit.  Quietly, in their sneaky fashion, they ambushed me.  I wasn’t prepared.  As the temperature outside hovered near zero, I felt my personal weather inside freeze over too.  I tumbled, slowly but surely, down into the abyss.

I have been down there before, so I recognized the terrain.   I hate it.

Their vague, dark presence shape-shifted slowly into a single creature, thus leveling the playing field to one-on-one.  This would be to my advantage in the end.

“Damn you!”  I said to the beast.  He had found me again.

Then, as suddenly as he accosted me, I made a snap decision, a choice:  “This doesn’t work for me.”   I decided to fight back.  I realized I was in control, not the other way around.  I wasn’t powerless, as I often think I am.  Neither might you be at times like these.

I’m sick of your crap,” I said to him.  “I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Then, the coup de grace, my death blow to him:  “You’re not the boss of me.”

And I got up.  I was still at the bottom of the pit, but I was standing up.  He threw his weight around, trying to hold me down, but I fought back.  I moved.  I pushed forward.  He pushed back.

I started to act.  Action begets action; this I knew, so I simply moved.

I vacuumed.

I put my laundry away.

I tidied up my room.

I was feeling better already.  I still felt his presence, but I was edging him out, and he wasn’t too happy about that.  He wanted the stage front and center, but I had effectively shoved him off to the side a bit.  I kept moving and doing.  I did things I enjoy doing.

I read a good book.

I did a few yoga stretches.

I got my colored pencils and color book out and filled in the black and white with color.

He was still lurking as I crawled back to the surface.  He was pissed because he knew I was winning the battle, and I would continue to win the war, too.

And I did.  He moved on, hanging his head low in defeat.

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There are times in life when it’s not that easy.  I have had long periods of time when I couldn’t shake the blues, or when I needed help beyond my own powers in order to pull through dark days.

About two weeks after my parents died, I took off out of my driveway for my daily run along the highway, but well into the grass on the side of the road.

My beloved doctor, the healer who had delivered my two babies and had cared for our family for over ten years, lived just past my rural home.  She drove by my house every day on her way to heal many other people.   On this day, she stopped.  Pulling over into the grass next to me, she got out of her car and, exercising her healing powers right there by the side of the road, gave me a hug.

I am so sorry,” she said in her genuine, heartfelt healing way.

“I’m okay,” I replied, as a tear fell from my eye.

She wiped it, and said, “No, you’re not.  I will do anything I can to help you.  I will write you a prescription if you need it to get through.  Anything at all, I will do what I can to help you.”

And then she got back in her car, apologizing for being in a hurry, but she had surgery to attend to.  She always found a moment to help, no matter how busy she was.

Perhaps I should have taken her up on that.  I saw her several months later for my annual physical, and after listening to my heart, she said, “It’s funny, you can’t hear a broken heart.”

I chose not to take any medication.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have helped me through those darkest of all my dark days.  It may have healed my broken heart a bit sooner.   It helps many people, and it may have helped me, too.

I kept running.  That was my drug; my solace. It still is.  As long as I can move, I plan to get out there every day and crush the blues; stomp on the demons when they call.  And they do call from time to time.  They do still win a few battles, but so far, I am winning the war.  They’re not the boss of me.

I did seek out a grief support group in the summer after my parents died in March.  I knew the power of the group, a group that has been there.  I attended one, and I realize I should have researched it a bit more, because it consisted mostly of elderly widows and widowers. I left feeling worse than when I arrived.  The prevailing mood of the group can be summed up in the comment made to me by one man:  “It’s been five years since my wife died, and it hasn’t gotten any better.  You just have to live with it.”

While I do believe firmly in the power of any organized support group, I realized there likely was not group specifically for middle-aged women who had recently lost both of their parents in an accident, so I resigned myself to the notion that my family and friends, and especially my sisters would be my best support group.

And they have been.

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There are skilled, knowledgeable and experienced professionals who can help turn even a locomotive around to a new destination, who can offer a new perspective on old problems, and generally can help get a train wreck back on the tracks.  I have sought out such help in the past, and I urge anyone who may feel the need to consider it.  I am a better woman for it.  Our mother used to say it was a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help.   We owe it to ourselves to use every tool in the shed we need to get through these tough times.

We all feel pain, and we all deal with it on our own terms.  I look up to Gail in so many ways, and her way of dealing with such pain works for her, but I needed more than my own powers.  She believes in the need for help, but provides her own.  Keeping busy, spinning all those plates in the air and reminding herself she is stronger than all of that crap is her way of moving forward.  I think the blues are scared of her, and they should be.  It would be a losing battle from the word GO.  So they stay away.

Perhaps they are learning that they shouldn’t mess with me, either.  They are learning I am cut from the same cloth as Gail.   I’m on to their sneaky ways, and that simply doesn’t work for me.  Perhaps Gail’s inspiration to beat the blues is finally reaching me.

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WHY I POST ON SUNDAY NIGHTS

This was the original title for this post.  I wanted to share my weekly blog on Sunday nights, which, to me, is the darkest of all evenings.  I have long fought the temporary blues that begin to settle in the late afternoon hours on Sunday, reminding me that the night is coming, followed by the hardest morning of the week.  At least, what I perceive as the hardest morning.

Except that Monday morning usually turns out just fine.  I realized I spend an entire evening dreading its arrival, making that evening worse than the following morning, effectively wasting a perfectly good evening.

I have learned I am not alone.  This seems to be the prevailing notion among those of us who work a standard work week.

During the four year period when I was between degrees, I led a gypsy-like lifestyle, holding several jobs in an effort to utilize my illustrious degree in sociology.  One of my many endeavors was waiting tables.  It turned out to be one of my favorite jobs of all time.  I typically worked Friday-Saturday-Sunday nights, and the manager kindly gave me Mondays off.  I loved Mondays then.  It didn’t take me long to welcome them after dreading them all my previous working years.

It didn’t take me long to return to the Monday morning dread when I returned to the standard workweek.

We seem to be programmed that way, so whatever we can do to undo that pattern is a good thing.  Which is why I chose Sunday evenings as my weekly post night.  Just as much for me as for you, dear reader, I hate to admit.  Of course, I wanted to offer some positivity for my readers, but committing myself to a weekly Sunday evening post gave me some purpose, a goal to achieve, and something to look forward to.

I cannot put into words my gratitude for the positive change I have felt on Sunday nights since I began this endeavor.  Your readership and feedback have made me look forward to Sunday nights now.  Some of you have mentioned that you look forward to Sunday nights to read my posts, and my heart swells to know I actually helped you through this evening, which many of you likely dread as well.

Our parents gave us so much wisdom, so much positive influence that should be shared.  I remember this advice from Mom:  “Always have something to look forward to.”

This advice has helped me beyond measure.  When I find myself battling the blues, I focus on something—anything—in my near future that will bring me any measure of joy—even something so slight as getting back to a good book before bed that night.  In these short, dark, cold days of winter, I especially need to have something on my calendar to anticipate, something to look forward to.  Throughout the year, too, I try to keep something planned, even if it is a movie night, or a lunch date.

Something to look forward to.

I have read that when planning a big trip, allow yourself plenty of time to plan, and especially to anticipate it.  Don’t deny yourself the joy of looking forward to it, because, if you think about it, that really is half the fun.  When the time arrives for the trip to commence, we all know how quickly it flies from there.

Which is precisely why Gail, Suzanne and I plan our trips twice each year, knowing full well how much fun the anticipation is, how much we enjoy looking forward to it.  As soon as we return from one trip, we begin to anticipate the next one.  It’s how we get through.

On March 4th of this year, our family will observe the ten year anniversary of our parents’ passing.   We have turned March Fourth into March Forth, and we will continue to do so.  Gail, Suzanne and I are planning our usual Colorado trip, plus a little something extra for the ten-year jubilee—we really are celebrating their lives, not mourning our loss—but we’re not sure just yet what it will be.  We likely won’t give any details ahead of time, and we may not even share the juicy details afterward.  These trips and our experiences on them are our secret, sacred shared bond.  We’ve earned it.

When we return home that Sunday night, March 4th, 2018, I will then attend an 8:00 pm concert with my husband and neighbors in my small city.  My mother knew how much I have always loved the classic English rock music of Steve Winwood, and she has arranged for him to play live for me—and several thousand other people—on that special night.

I have so much to look forward to.

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I read this long before my parents died: psychologists theorize that if a person loses a loved one, given enough time, they will return to their former state of happiness or unhappiness.  They referred to it as a “fixed point,” meaning that after the fluctuation smoothes out, the dial goes back to where it was before the loss.

I wasn’t buying it.  No, not me.  I would have to be buried next to my loved one.  Throw in the towel; I would be done.

But I wasn’t done.  I moved on, we all did.  At that point, that is the only choice.  And now, almost ten years later, I can say that not only have I returned to that fixed point, I have blown past it.  It took precious time and effort, but here I am; here we all are.  Life is so good.

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My hometown lost a legend this week, an iconic figure who was a close friend of my parents, whose large family grew up with mine.  My heart breaks for them, but they are living the faith their father died in, and they, too, will return to that “fixed point” in time.  My prayer is that they, too, will blow past it.

Edgar was a comedian in his own right, and a musician as well.  He couldn’t read a note of music, but he could play the piano by ear like you’ve never heard.  He delighted in playing for groups large and small.

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Godspeed to you Edgar.  May you rest in peace, but also in laughter and music.  Heaven gained not only an angel with you, but an entertainer as well.  I will do whatever I can to help your family realize that while they feel the pain right now, they, too, have so much to look forward to.  And please tell my parents we are looking forward to seeing them again someday.

 

OUR FAVORITE GIFTS OF 2017

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OUR FAVORITE GIFTS OF 2017

I usually just say no.    I get several requests every year to work privately with children.  I am most comfortable with adults, and I feel that another speech therapist would be better suited for helping children.

Given that, I did have the pleasure of working with a fine young boy on his speech sounds for an extended period of time.  I said yes to this request, and I am so glad I did.

I went to his home typically once a week after school for a period of several years.  He and his family were delightful.  I was a guest in their home, but they made me feel at home every time I was there.

Every year at Christmas, I received a handmade Christmas ornament from him.  He presented them to me on my last visit before the holiday; and I treasured each of them.  I hung them together on my tree, and sent a picture to his mother to show him how great they looked on our tree.

I stopped working with him just over a year ago, not long before Christmas.   When I put the tree up this year, I hung each of his three ornaments together.  I stepped back and smiled, recalling the fond memories of him and his family.

About a week before Christmas, I stopped by Suzanne’s house.  Her home is close to theirs, and as I drove by their street, I recalled more fond memories of him and his family.

When I got home, there was a parcel on my porch.  His name was on it.  He made another ornament for me.

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There are some rewards to my work that no paycheck can compete with.

Another patient, knowing my dad’s favorite pie was a straight raisin pie—no cream on this one—and that I liked it too, delivered one to me the week before Christmas.  His wife made it just for me.  It was delicious, and my dad would have loved it.

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And there’s James and Lucy from my Time for Letting Go:  Part Two, dated October 29th.  How did they know I love clean and fresh candle scents instead of flowery ones?  I have told them so much about me, but I am sure I didn’t share this little fact.  They just knew.

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Therapists are not allowed to accept large gifts, but our code of ethics allows those of “nominal” value.    Monetarily, these could be called “nominal.”  However, they are worth far more in a different kind of currency.  When I sometimes feel I am making no difference, not helping these people at all, I simply remember their appreciation expressed through gifts like these.  And then I remember why I continue to do this work.

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Gail, Suzanne and I have an annual Christmas tradition.  We give each other gifts.  Of course, this sounds like garden variety gift-giving.  But these are no regular gifts.  These are gifts we shop for year-round, gifts we accumulate slowly, methodically, purposefully.  We buy them new in cool stores, used at garage sales, find the hard-to-find ones on eBay,  troll the thrift stores year-round (Suzanne and I do, anyway), and special order them when we need to.  These gifts—and there are multiple ones for each of us—are, quite simply, the best.

During our family Christmas get-together, we sneak away for our private exchange when we think no one is looking.  Except they’re on to us by now, and when we slip away, someone always finds us.

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Busted again!  We thought perhaps in Ryan’s house, they wouldn’t know where to look, but they did.  The sisters-in-law have now vowed—in good-natured ribbing– to start their own secret gift exchange, and we hope they do, because it is so much fun.

These gifts are special, solemn and secret.  It would not be right to showcase them, but perhaps the picture gives you a small inkling.   We seem to know exactly what each of us needs to get in a special package from their two special sisters.

Because Suzanne is a minimalist, and because laughter is a gift too, she chose to receive her largest gift from me as a ticket to a night together, complete with much laughter.

There is a small, art-deco style theater in the beautiful downtown of our small city.  A very funny lady with a great first name—Kathleen Madigan—performed there in November, so Suzanne was my date.  The memories of her humor and our laughter made that gift priceless to me, and I hope Suzanne felt the same way.

Gail and I always find treasures in Cripple Creek at Christine’s place, 9494.  I had found yet another one there on our trip in September, and I resisted the temptation—initially.  I told myself if it was still there the next day that it was mine.  We went back, and it was gone.  “Then it wasn’t meant to be,” I thought, and assumed it had found a more deserving home.

It showed up in my gift package from Gail.

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Suzanne’s daughter gave her a gift that brought back great memories of her childhood, a retro-style toy that was recently resurrected, and Julia found her mother’s favorite one, which was Suzanne’s favorite tangible gift:

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Suzanne was an exceptionally cute little girl.  Of course, she is still cute, but not like she was when we were kids.  She treasures a certain picture of both of us, one where she looks cute as a button, and I look, well, not cute.  She delights in showing this picture to her new co-workers, because I already knew many of them.  She wanted me to have an enlarged print.  She wanted to keep the frame subtle, she said, so as not to take the focus off of the subjects of the picture.  It now sits on my bedside table.

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(Please realize the enormous amount of self-acceptance required for me to post this picture for the world to see.)

There is a certain person who delights in reminding me just how not cute I look in this picture.  He even has the audacity to suggest that, perhaps, my pre-adolescent female hormones were late to arrive.  He knows who he is, and I have but one cryptic word for him:  karma.

Mercifully, my fashion sense has evolved, the gap between my teeth grew shut, I shed the pre-adolescent weight, and I got a more flattering haircut.

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But all these things are just things.

The greatest gifts are not things.  The greatest gifts cannot be bought or touched. They are experienced.

We celebrated Christmas with our siblings and their families, and we celebrated Ryan’s birthday too, just as we always do.

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Our day at his house together was wrapped up at its close with another beautiful Kansas sunset, its vast expanse visible out his front door.

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Because I couldn’t decide if the earlier picture or the later one was more beautiful, I included both of them.

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Gail and her family left Ryan’s house in the pre-dawn hours and headed north to visit Gail’s daughter and her family in northern Michigan.  After a semi-treacherous period of 20 hours, five more than it should have taken, they arrived.

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Gail’s greatest gift she says—hands down—was time with her daughter, and her grandsons.

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The ornaments, the pie, candle and necklace, and all the other gifts were absolutely wonderful.  I am very grateful to each of their givers for their thoughtfulness and generosity.

The biggest and best gifts, however, cannot be wrapped and given away, cannot be bought or made.  The Giver gives, and too often, we take, without saying thank you.

For these gifts bestowed upon me in 2017, I want to give thanks:

*Always, for my sisters.

*Suzanne now lives and works in my small city, much closer to me.

*More travels with my sisters.  Whether it be Colorado, Florida, Nebraska or somewhere in Kansas, I relish the memories and look forward to making more.

*The unique celebration of sisterhood through this blog.

*Another year, another birthday to relish, because age is a gift.  I welcomed 51, Gail celebrated 57, and Suzanne is proud to be 47.  We don’t hide our ages, because we know the gift of every year, of every day, every moment.

*For you, dear reader.  You gave me the faith to keep this endeavor afloat after its maiden voyage.  You made me believe I really can do it.

*Work that continues to sustain and support me.

*Good health:  my work reminds me every day that it is a gift not granted, a gift to be savored and enjoyed every day.

*My ability to communicate in spoken and written form.  My work also reminds me daily of this gift, the gift that allows us to connect with others and be fully alive through it.

*Our continued constitutional rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  These may be legal rights, but more importantly, they are all three gifts from God.

*My family.  Another addition extended the circle of love.

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Because my patients also found the humor in these, I want to share two misspoken New Year’s greetings from two different women who had strokes, and had difficulty choosing the right words.  It was New Year’s Eve day during their therapy sessions three years and one year ago respectively, and after multiple attempts, these two greetings are what they called good enough:

“Happy Two Beers!”

“Happy Near You!”

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Happy 2018 to all of you.  May every moment of this new year be a gift.

 

 

 

THE BROTHER LODE

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THE BROTHER LODE

In Suzanne’s last home, she had a family picture hanging in the foyer.  “That’s nice.”   You may think.  “Was it her family, or her siblings and parents?”  These are questions you likely have now.

The answer is, neither.  It was a family picture of The Brady Bunch.

Suzanne was only three when Ryan was born, so she likely didn’t realize the upset he created for quite some time, but when she did, she wasn’t happy about it.

She loved—and obviously still loves–the Brady Bunch.  She probably loved her little brother too, until she realized he ruined our 3/3 boy/girl count, and with his arrival, we were no longer The Brady Bunch.

Ryan arrived in our family on Christmas Eve 1973.  In our pre-Christmas caroling spirit, we changed up the words to a then-popular Christmas song, and sang it to Mom:  “Christmas is coming, Mom is getting fat.”  She took it in stride.  By the time it was time to deliver the 7th—and last–child, she could handle just about anything from us.

Christmas Eve was typically our big celebration; Santa always arrived in his own secretive style.  He seemed to know to wait until supper was served, the kitchen was cleaned and we were herded upstairs.  Our grandpa lived in town, and he always joined our family for the holiday celebrations.  He stayed downstairs and helped Mom and Dad help Santa.

Suzanne will still beg to differ, but Dad was at the hospital with Mom that year on Christmas Eve.  Grandpa pulled it off all by himself.  She was only three, so I am not trusting her recall of the big event.  Mom didn’t drive herself 30 miles there while in labor.

I remember the phonecall around 9:30 from Dad:  “It’s a boy!” 

Ryan had arrived.

I remember going to visit them on Christmas Day.  I was seven, and I wanted a doll called Baby Alive.  I didn’t get it, but Mom joked that she did.

I was decked out in another gift from Santa, a long, red and white checked gingham dress.  Mom acted so surprised to see me in it, and I felt the glow of a new big sister with the events of the night before.  The dress was all I needed to shine.  Somewhere is a picture of me in it; when it turns up, I will post it.

I was the fifth of us seven.  Two brothers were right ahead of me; born 3 ½ years and 17 months before me, respectively.  They were my buddies.  Gail was before them and six years older, so not only was she busy with all the work I have already detailed in previous posts, I’m sure I was the annoying little sister.

David and John let me tag along, and subsequently, I became a tomboy.  I played in the dirt, made forts in the woods behind our house, climbed trees, rode motorcycles, read Motor Trend magazine and cried when Dad wouldn’t cut my hair after he cut theirs.

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Suzanne, Ryan and me wallowing in a mud bog after a heavy summer rain.  I told you I was a tomboy.  Looks like I needed a haircut from Dad, or anyone. 

David and John could—and often did—bring me to tears as I got older.  The memories of their relentless teasing and roughhousing have faded somewhat, and are now replaced by ongoing mutual respect, kindness, love and peace toward each other.   Our oldest brother Gary was eight years older than me, so I was likely the perpetually annoying little sister to him.  I don’t remember him treating me as such though, and he would likely now disagree.

My memories of Ryan are less painful.  Actually, likely because he was seven years younger than me, I think he knew better than to cause me any pain.  I don’t even recall any episodes with him, or while observing him with others that would lead me to believe that he had it in him to be anything but laid back, mellow and generally observant.  He had six older siblings to watch and learn from, so he likely did just that.

He made his own unique way, did his own thing and gave his own unique contributions to our family.

The gift he continues to give—in my estimation—is his sense of humor.  When I asked him as I was writing this, “What was it like to be born on Christmas Eve?”  he replied, with no hesitation in his monotone voice that adds to the humor, “I don’t know, I can’t remember.”

Because we had to try to laugh to keep from crying just after Mom and Dad died, we were able to find some humor in the early, most painful days.  Gail is Ryan’s godmother, the Catholic role model that not only is expected to be a positive influence as a godparent, but also the person/persons that would be most suited to take the child in the event that child loses their parents.   At the wake the night before their funeral, Ryan—at age 35 and seated next to me, leaned in and whispered, “Does this mean I have to go live with Gail?”

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Gail, Suzanne and I are the sisters we are in part because of our brothers.  We have our sisterly bonds, but we also have our own unique relationships with each of our four brothers, and that, I know for sure, makes us better sisters to each other.

In recognition of them, and in celebration of Ryan’s arrival on Christmas Eve 44 years ago—even though he doesn’t remember it—I say thank you God for my brothers.

 

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Next Friday evening, my stepson and his family will join us from Wichita for an early Christmas celebration.  Saturday and early Sunday, we will celebrate Christmas with my family and my siblings with their families at Ryan’s house.  Nine years ago on that first Christmas without Mom and Dad, we vowed to keep the Christmas holiday together with each other in their honor, and to continue to forge our sibling bonds.  Our oldest brother Gary will be with his family in Idaho, but he will be with us in spirit, and by phone too.  We will observe and celebrate Ryan’s birthday separate from Christmas, just like Mom and Dad were always sure to do.

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The stars of our Christmas Eve 1973 show at Mom and Dad’s 50th anniversary celebration, October 2007.

Sunday, I will return to my home with my family to celebrate Christmas Eve.  There will be no post on this sacred Sunday night.

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We  got the tree out of the box and stood it up four days ago.  Until today, it sat bare.  I won’t deny that I still struggle to get in the spirit when it comes to decorating my home and my tree.  My boys were gone all day, and I started without them.  The momentum carried me once I got started, but much like my pre-Thanksgiving baking, I had a moment.  It still hits me during the holidays, the time of year when their absence is felt most acutely.  Just like the Thanksgiving moment, it passed quickly.  It passed through me, and it was gone.   My family came home and helped, and it was the festive occasion is should be.

I found myself putting up the same decorations in the same places I always do, the same decorations I have put up for years, mostly without thinking much about it.  This year, however, I stopped myself when something didn’t feel as good as I thought perhaps it could.

“You always put that Santa right there.  It’s where it goes,”  I said to myself.

“But I don’t want to put it there this year,” I said back to myself.  “I don’t even think I want to put it up at all.  I don’t know why, but it makes me blue.”

Fine, whatever.  Suit yourself,”  my rational side said to my emotional side.

So I didn’t put it up.  And it felt good.  I took my own advice from last week, and I changed it up.  I put Santa back in the box, and went on with the decorations that sparked joy in me, leaving several others in the box if they didn’t.  I changed my decorating traditions, and I like what I see.

Sometimes, suiting yourself is the only way to go.  Sometimes,  the smallest changes on the outside bring the biggest shifts inside.

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I wish you all the peace of the spirit of Christmas.  I wish for this peace every day of the year for you.

For those who are celebrating the first Christmas after the loss of a loved one, my heart breaks for you, but Christmas hope shines on every day of the year to remind us they are still with us.  Even if seems the pain won’t lessen, remember you will become stronger with each passing year.  We are living proof.

Merry Christmas.

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Happy Birthday Ryan.  You are the Christmas gift who keeps giving.

A GRAND OVERNIGHT ISLAND GETAWAY

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A GRAND OVERNIGHT ISLAND GETAWAY

Some traditions are not meant to be carried on forever.  If, perhaps, they bring you more sadness than joy, you should consider leaving them behind.  Maybe, though, you could change them up a bit, and make something new out of the old, something happy out of the sad; something that brings you joy where it once made you blue.

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Before Suzanne moved to my small city, she was nearly equidistant between here and Grand Island ,Nebraska.  Mom and Dad lived in the same small town she did; Gail lived about 2 ½ hours west of them where she still lives.

Shopping trips were split nearly evenly between the two; sometimes Suzanne and Mom would travel here, sometimes they would head north.  As I write this, I realize that maybe they went north more than they headed south toward me.  Perhaps Grand Island held more shopping charm than my small city, and I understand why.   I went along sometimes too.  When I could swing it, I would make the trip to their small town, and then we would drive further north from there.  Once or twice perhaps, Gail was able to make the even longer trip and join us too.  Most of the time, however, it was Suzanne and Mom who took this little trip.  After Mom and Dad died, it was too painful for a long time for Suzanne to return, so I didn’t go either.

We liked to take Mom here as a birthday trip.  Our last trip together was for her 71st birthday in January, just six weeks before they died in March.

If you are a Kansas native like we are, or perhaps from another Midwestern state, you already get it.  If not, perhaps we need to paint you a picture, an image that will prove to you that Midwest farmer’s daughters know how to create an adventure in what may appear to be land that lacks virtue, plains that may not look so great.  There is a reason why we are called the ‘plains,’ but there are many reasons why we are also called “The Great Plains.”

Kansas sunrises and sunsets are unquestionably several of our greatest virtues.

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Suzanne and I took a little trip north Saturday, a trip to commemorate all those trips we used to take with Mom.  Gail already had five or six plates scheduled to be spinning in the air for Saturday, so we had to soldier on without her.  Suzanne and I went last year to go Christmas shopping, deciding to revive an old tradition.   It was time to leave the pain behind, and make new memories.

So we did.

I was inside shopping during the Nebraska sunset Saturday night, but I’m sure it had the potential to rival those in Kansas.

I’ll bet the Nebraska sunrise was beautiful, too, but I after all the fun we had last night, I didn’t get up early enough to see it.

I did get a few shots of  the scenery on the way there.

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And just in case you are thinking this Midwest beauty is not so beautiful after all, take a look at the fortune inside my cookie after our Chinese buffet dinner:

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It’s all in how you look at it.  The beauty is always there if you choose to see it.

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Last year at this time, Suzanne was preparing to move to my small city.  She thought, perhaps, she may never come back here again since she was moving further south.

She was wrong.

Because the route on the way here last year and the way home went through her small town, we also drove by the sign that leads you to the geographic center of the United States.  After all those trips driving past it, we decided it was time to actually stop.

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I’m so glad we did, because we didn’t take that route this year.

We have a long tradition of making a grand entrance into Nebraska.  Sometimes it’s just a honk and wave, sometimes it’s a stop.  One year, we actually came to a complete stop on the highway at the state line–after checking to make sure there was no traffic behind us of course, squealing out and perhaps laying a little rubber as we honked.

This year, we pulled over.

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After a full day of shopping–apparently we were really, really good this year, because Santa got us each a few goodies too–we enjoyed dinner.  Our dessert tasted exactly like one Mom used to make, so that made it taste even better.

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Then, we checked into our room.  This picture of an old tractor almost identical to one our dad had and treasured greeted us at our door.

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That made our hotel room even more perfect.

And, after fully checking them out, we decided–in our very own Goldilocks style, that our beds were just right.

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We tested the beds last year too, and decided we would make it a new tradition.

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The holiday season is upon us.  Traditions abound; we know the drills and we carry them out, mostly without thinking much about it.  For better or worse, our holiday memories are rooted largely in these traditions.

Traditions anchor us, give us stability and bring back good memories.

Except when they don’t.

Sometimes, traditions have lived beyond their natural lives.  Sometimes, they no longer serve us with tidings of comfort and joy.  Sometimes, it’s time to think about leaving them behind; changing them up.

Sometimes, like rules, traditions can be bent or even broken without anyone suffering.  Sometimes, it won’t hurt a soul to change these traditions, just like it doesn’t hurt to bend the rules.  Sometimes, there is more fun to be had when things are changed up.

Sometimes, however, traditions serve as a lifeboat for some people, but not for others involved in the same traditions.  Referring once again to the 70’s song, I will reiterate a point that is so often unrecognized:  “There ain’t no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy, there’s only you and me and we just disagree.”   We all see things differently.

However, if you are the one who wants to rock the boat, just be aware that you may also be the one treading water in the end.

I consider myself a mover and somewhat of a shaker; I don’t hesitate to challenge the status quo if I think there is a better way.  Which is why I saved this page from one of my daily calendars the other day:

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Don’t hesitate to consider that there may indeed be another way; perhaps a better way.

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Sometimes, out of necessity, traditions must be changed.  The first Christmas after Mom and Dad died, my siblings and I were faced with a decision.  Our tradition had been to spend a day at Mom and Dad’s house with them, with all of our families.  Now they were gone, and their house was gone.  We had to make changes.   Now, it was even more important now for us to remain close as siblings, and spending a day together around Christmas was a priority for us.

My house was geographically in the middle for most of us.  We had the location, the space and the desire,   so my house it was.  For the last nine years, we have met with our families for a day of family, festiveness, food and fun.  This year, however, we are changing it up.

Our younger brother and his wife will be the new hosts.  On December 23rd, we will meet at their house near our family farm and it will be wonderful.  His birthday is Christmas Eve, and one tradition we will continue to observe–no matter where we meet–will be to observe his birthday.  Mom always made sure to observe it, so we will carry that on.

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My holiday wish for you is to find peace and joy, no matter where or how.  If your old traditions bring you that, keep them going.  If they bring you more sadness than joy, consider changing them.  Start by simply considering it.  There may be a better way.

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And next time you find yourself in a hotel room, don’t hesitate to test the beds like we did. The rules were broken, no one was hurt, no harm was done and a new, fun and wonderful tradition was begun.

 

 

THE BAKER, THE LONG JOHN MAKER–AND SUZANNE

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THE BAKER, THE LONG JOHN MAKER—AND SUZANNE

When I have the time and the occasion, I love to bake.   Not cooking, just baking.  I cook because I have to, although I have a husband who is gifted in the kitchen, and enjoys cooking more than I do.

For that, I am thankful.

I’ve psychoanalyzed why I love to bake and not to cook, and I have arrived at this conclusion:  I have had to cook for most of my life for my family, both growing up and as a parent/wife; it was non-negotiable.  It was a chore, and there were no options.  We had to feed the masses.  Baking, however, is sometimes optional.

On the farm, the girls were inside, and the boys were outside.  Except Gail– she was cross-trained to do just about anything on the farm, inside the house or out.  She was the second-born, and she was the Swiss Army Knife out of necessity—she HAD to learn it all.  Mom needed her inside, and sometimes, Dad needed her outside.  No wonder her work ethic puts ours to shame; we all relied so much upon her, and she simply did the job and moved on to the next.

I’m not sure what all she did outside, because I wasn’t there to learn from her.  I did learn from her inside.  She and Mom taught me how to prepare a meal for nine, and how to bake goodies for us too.  I remember the baked goods felt better to prepare.  The cooked meal sustained us, but the pies, cakes, cookies and other treats make others happy.

Cooking is like the exercise routine you have to perform; baking is like getting a massage.  Cooking is watching the news; baking is listening to music.  Cooking is doing your taxes; baking is reading a juicy novel.  You get the idea.

Feeding nine people was no small chore.  Mom took it upon herself as the serious business it was.   She performed this Herculean task three times every day, with and without our help.

Breakfast at our house was like a diner, and she was the short-order cook.  If one of us wanted bacon and eggs, we got it.  If another wanted French toast, she made that.  For seven kids.  For all those years.

Dinner, which is the noon meal on the farm, was some form of meat and potatoes with a vegetable, or some variation of that.  Supper—the evening meal—was another well-rounded spread.  Then, she would do it all over again the next day.  And the next.

We were enlisted to help cook as soon as we were able.  It was non-negotiable, it simply had to be done.  Nine hungry mouths were there open and waiting.  As the years passed, nine became eight, then seven; six…  I was child number five of seven, so there were five at a minimum when I was still home.  When Gail left, as I mentioned in a previous post, I had to do more.  Having set the bar so unrealistically high, she was a hard act to follow.

She cooked meals like we all did; like we all had to.  She found more joy in baking, too.  Her specialty, as I remember it, was long johns.  From scratch, fried and frosted.  Donuts, too.  So it’s no wonder she opened a Daylight Donut shop in her small western Kansas town, and became the donut queen extraordinaire of western Kansas.  For over seven years, she burned the before midnight-to-after lunchtime oil, sleeping only in short spells after the donuts were made and sold, and the mess was cleaned, and all her other work was done.  Seven months after Mom and Dad died, she fully realized the life is too short secret, and shut her doors.  She hasn’t looked back, but says she wouldn’t trade it.

She still cooks.  And bakes.  And not just for big events like last week’s Thanksgiving feast.  She took the torch from Mom’s kitchen, and still burns it bright.

Now Suzanne, however, is a different story.  I recall teaching her to make pie crusts about 15 years ago, because Mom never taught her.  Mom was alive and able to do so, but I think she was simply done. She had cooked and baked all she cared to, and she no longer had any interest in doing any more than she had to.  She earned the rest of her life off from this task.

When I was working this post in my mind before I wrote it, I asked Suzanne what, since I was obviously the baker, and Gail the long john maker, I should call her.

She laughed, and without hesitation answered:  “Suzanne.”

So she remains simply Suzanne.  She doesn’t think of herself as a baker in any way, and she is more than okay with that.  So was Mom.

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I lucked out in so many ways.  My husband is a great cook, and he enjoys it.  Not just the grill guy as some husbands are, but he is that too.  He can take ingredients that may appear hopeless and lifeless, and turn them into a memorable, delicious feast.  The only problem is that he typically can’t repeat those kinds of dishes, because it was a flash of culinary inspiration that disappears just after it came.

I’ll take it.  I also take the responsibility for cooking when it’s my turn.  I’d say about half the time.  We make it a priority to have a sit-down meal nearly every evening, just like he and I both did in our families when we were growing up.

I must tell you a vital bit of information now, before I get into the baking part of this post.  I want to make it abundantly clear that I am forever grateful that I married a good cook.  I want to make it clear too, that I support him however I can when he is cooking.  Generally, I don’t criticize a single move he makes when he is in the kitchen.  Except this one time.

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I inherited my Grandpa’s flour sifter.  It was in his kitchen, likely belonging to his sisters who lived with him to help raise my dad after my grandmother passed away when Dad was young.  I don’t remember him using it, but I treasured it.   It is a single sifter, requiring that the handle is cranked.  It was a labor of love.  I used it as a ritual when I made pie crusts, because sifting the flour twice is one of my two secrets.  I took good care of it, never washing it to prevent any rust from forming inside.  I would pat the flour off after each use and gently put it away.  It was a trusty sifter, and my expert use and care kept it in pristine condition.

Mark was cooking something wonderful; I don’t recall what it was.  Whatever it was required a can of crushed tomatoes.  They needed to be strained, and he wanted a fine wire mesh strainer.   You can see where this is going.

He decided my flour sifter was the perfect tool.

Fortunately for him, he was redeemed.  Albeit several years later, but redemption did happen.

His aunt held a lottery-style drawing for some of his grandmother’s treasures in her possession, in order that they would be passed down to grandchildren.  As pictured, he won the triple sifter that belonged to his grandma.  With several quick pulls of the hand, the flour is sifted not twice, but three times.  It is slick and smooth, and works like a charm.

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My grandpa’s flour sifter has sat unused in the cabinet since then, not even used once to strain tomatoes.

**********************

The evening after Mildred’s funeral several weeks ago was unseasonably warm, just as the day was.  We got home late in the afternoon, had dinner, and I decided it was time.  Time to get out the grinder.

About twenty years ago, Dad bought a wheat grinder.  For months, he ground his own wheat to provide flour for so many of the dishes—both baked and cooked—that Mom was still making.  He showed it off to each of us when we visited, demonstrated and then shared the freshly ground fruit of the earth if we wanted some.  I always took some, incorporating it into baked goods whenever I could, and using it in cooking for breading and such.

As the months passed, he became less enthusiastic about grinding wheat, until his grinding production ground to a halt.  I decided to borrow the grinder from him and grind my own, because I missed cooking and baking with it.

He didn’t mind loaning it out.  I had it in my possession when they died, and have had it ever since.  If my siblings want to use it, I have let them know I am happy to pass it on.

So that evening, since I was out of flour, and my brother was kind enough to provide more wheat from last summer’s harvest for me, I dug out the grinder to enjoy the beautiful fall twilight.

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I didn’t get an action picture, but the first and most important task that must be performed before the wheat can be ground is to sift it, separating the wheat from the chaff.    The sifting tray is sitting on top of the stack of buckets.

It is a messy and dusty proposition, so I set up shop in the driveway.  And, just for good measure, I drank a wheat beer while I ground the wheat.  Dad would have approved.

The wheat dust hung lazily in the air, just like it did when I wrote about the day I spent in the harvest field.  Days with no wind are a gift in Kansas, and this was another one of them.  Gail and Suzanne would beg to differ.

In half an hour or so, I had five half-gallon ice cream buckets filled with flour.  I was set.

*********************

The night before Thanksgiving, I prepared to bake.  I planted myself in my kitchen, in my element.   All my boys were gone to visit Mark’s family, and I had the house to myself.  I put on my favorite music, poured a glass of wine, and set out to bake two pumpkin pies, two sweet potato pies, a pumpkin cake, and pecan pie bars.   Some would go to Mark’s family gathering the next day on Thanksgiving, the rest would go to Gail’s house for the weekend festivities.

I got cranked up, spinning several plates in the air at the same time, so to speak.  I was mixing pie dough and other bowls of ingredients smoothly, with nary a glitch.

Perhaps it was the heaping scoop of memories, or the pinch of melancholy, or perhaps the cup of merlot–maybe all three, but it hit me.

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The mixing bowl was Mom’s.  She used it hundreds of times; I can easily summon a visual image of her cooking and baking with it.  A very clear picture came to me, and I had to have a moment.  I had to walk away from it all for a moment.

But just a moment.

And then it was gone.  In the early years after they died, it may have been a full-on breakdown, rendering me incapable of finishing the task.  Not anymore.  I only need a moment now, and it usually is a quiet one.

Then I got back to work.  I felt her peace, and it was all okay.  She was here for Thanksgiving after all.  Dad was too; the flour from his grinder was a part of the plan.

*******************

So Gail and I continue to bake.  Suzanne continues not to bake.  And that’s okay.

******************

When those memories come back, as they sometimes still do, I feel them; give them their due.  If they hurt for a bit, that pain is now more quickly replaced by the unspeakable but sure knowledge that these are simply signs that Mom and Dad are still with us.  And that is always worth the pain.

In Peace, Sister (July 16th), I referred to the letter Mom prepared so carefully and lovingly years before her death.  She signed off with this line that still brings me down for just a moment, then back up, then to an even higher place:

“Please don’t think I have left you.  I am still very much with you.”

And, as I just wrote her line above, I heard this line on the radio:  “And know a mother’s love.”

I’m pretty sure she is right here, right now.

************************

In case you want the other secret to my pie crusts, here it is:  always use Crisco.  And, it goes without saying, never wash the sifter, or strain tomatoes with it.

 

 

 

GIVE THANKS

 

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THANK YOU

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is ‘thank you,’ that will be enough.”    Meister Eckhart

Our country celebrated my favorite holiday last week.  I celebrated with my husband’s family on Thursday, and my family on Saturday.  I try to celebrate it alone every day. I try to find small and large things to be grateful for.  Some days, I know I don’t try hard enough.  When I give it my best, I get the best in return.

I find more peace.  More joy.  More awareness of so many more things I need to be grateful for.  More awareness of how rich life can be when I focus on the good.

I am now grateful for things that used to drag me down.  Like the seemingly endless stretch of Interstate 70 that leads to Gail’s house:

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I drove this hundred mile stretch several hundred times on my way from my current small city to an even smaller city during my graduate school days:

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If I try just a little harder, I can find so many beautiful sights along the way to be thankful for.  Out of respect for Gail and Suzanne’s love of the wind,  I have come to appreciate–only a little more– the reason why Kansas has so many of these:

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An hour past my alma mater town, this gem on the plains is the hometown of both of my in-laws.  They were married in this church that stands as a tall beacon on the prairie skyline, and all four of my husband’s grandparents were laid to rest behind the church.  A dear friend’s parents are buried there as well.   In an unlikely coincidence, my mom’s father was born there at home, but didn’t live there long as a child.

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As I age, I am more thankful that I was born and raised a Kansas farm girl.  While my family trusted only the red tractors, combines and other machinery, the green ones are fixtures on the Kansas plains.  My husband’s brother-in-law recently retired from a long and storied career with the green tractor company, so I have to respect them too.  Only if you were raised on a farm would you understand the ongoing debate/argument over which tractor is better:  red or green?  Either one will adequately harvest the current corn crop, which, in the last 10 years, is becoming a bigger cash crop in Kansas.

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So, just when I think I can no longer tolerate the monotony of the flat western Kansas landscape, the road to Gail’s house takes a surprise twist:  hills!

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Then, about ten minutes later, we have arrived.  Over the plains and through the hills, to Gail’s house we go.24058991_1925613150786933_3385765566210426815_n[1]

Gail and Suzanne are busy cooking; Suzanne and her family arrived last night.

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Anyone in the kitchen is expected to lend a hand.

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This is Gail’s time to shine, it is the pinnacle of the year–in family terms–for her.  I think that’s why it’s my favorite too.  Three of our four brothers, their wives and most of their offspring were there as well.   If Gail is in charge, it’s gonna be good.

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And it was.

******************************

Our new tradition is to take a picture in Camp Gail, just like we did last year.

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After duplicating that picture, we decided to try to duplicate this one, with a slight modification to reflect the fact that we are all fifteen years older than when this picture was taken:

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It didn’t turn out so well:

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Still, we tried.  And we will keep on trying to have all the fun we possibly can.   I am so thankful for that.

*************************

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I have long been thankful for Kansas sunsets, perhaps the most recognized natural wonder of The Wheat State.

Happy Thanksgiving every day from the three Kansas  wheat farm girls of the Sister Lode.

LOADS OF SISTERS

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LOADS OF SISTERS

Sisterhood at its finest is what I aim to celebrate with each blog post.  Typically, this means I write about my sisters, but sometimes we need to share the spotlight with other sisters.

This week, I have done just that.

Gail, Suzanne and I met Friday for Mildred’s funeral.  Mildred, like a handful of other caring, thoughtful and loving matriarchs, opened her heart, home and holidays to us in our time of need.

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Gail’s mother-in-law lived fully, loved even more deeply, and left an incredible legacy of peace, positivity and optimism to her entire family.  On a beautiful November day with full sun, near record-high temperatures and—much to Gail and Suzanne’s chagrin—absolutely no wind, Mildred was memorialized in this small town where Gail, Suzanne and I were born.

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Mom and Dad lived there from 2000 until they died in 2008.  Both Gail and Suzanne had lived there as well.  Tana and Amy (Swheat Girls Part Two, dated July 9th) were born there, and spent their early childhood years there, too.

The service left only a few dry eyes in the church, and the burial concluded with this spectacular sight:

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We all returned to the church, and enjoyed the unparalleled cuisine of a small-town church potluck lunch, complete with homemade desserts.  Gathering outdoors in the beautiful weather became the obvious order for the rest of the day.

Gail’s three daughters hadn’t been together for some time.  They, too, celebrated their sisterhood today:

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Lisa (right), who also married into the family, celebrated with her sister today too.

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Mildred’s daughters, who weren’t old enough to lose their mother—no one ever is, if you recall from last week, are now the matriarchs of the family.  My heart breaks for them.

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When Mildred was just ten years old, her world was effectively rocked by the arrival of—surprise—twin sisters.  She was an only child until then. Mary, Martha and Mildred became perhaps as close as Gail, Suzanne and me.  They traveled, had fun, bent the rules, laughed, spread joy, and drew even closer as Mildred neared the end of her life.

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Besides Gail’s three daughters, Mildred’s other granddaughters are left to help their mothers carry on her legacy.

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Even the great-nieces will carry Mildred’s memory forward.

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Mildred’s family didn’t let the beautiful November weather pass them by.

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The window pictured in that small gap in the trees in the center of the above picture is the house my parents lived in, just across the street and across an open lot.  Mildred, Mom and Dad couldn’t have asked for better neighbors in each other.

****************

Suzanne and I were chauffeured to Osborne by my husband.  We savored the beautiful Kansas landscape along the way, with next year’s wheat crop just getting its start.

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We stopped in Lucas to partake of the sights, and to procure some of the locally famous bologna and cheese from Brant’s Meat Market.

In operation since 1922, Doug Brant is handing the reigns to his daughter carry this family legacy forward as one of the few remaining authentic meat counters in Kansas.  Our dad was one of his regulars, and Dad’s local conversational legacy is still alive and well at Brant’s.  He remembers Dad, and he remembers us.  We remember how good his homemade treats are.

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No trip to Lucas is complete without a stop at Bowl Plaza, voted second best restroom in the world on World Toilet Day in 2014.

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The contest was sponsored by the United Nations and Cintas to increase awareness of worldwide sanitation.  This free, public restroom has been recognized for its uniqueness and flair.

For me, it provides a welcome rest stop on my travels in this direction, but more importantly, it validates my favorite expression of art:  mosaic art with all degrees of randomness included.

Life is often random, so art like this makes perfect sense to me.

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Next time, I swear I will make time to stop at the other world-famous attraction there:  J.P. Dinsmoor’s Garden of Eden.

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**************************

The holidays officially begin this week.  I know from heart-wrenching experience that this can be the hardest time of year for the newly grieving.

If it is your first year without a loved one, please consider this perspective:  Although the pain  never fully goes away, this first year is a blueprint.  We have no idea what to expect on the first round of birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, but when we survive the first year of all those special days, we can say I made it.  I will make it again.  We now have a foundation of what to expect in future years, and while each year is different in its own right, each year you move forward makes you another year stronger.

I am celebrating Thanksgiving Day with my husband’s family, and then we will spend the weekend at Gail’s for her much-anticipated annual Turkey Party.  It is a large part of the reason why I love Thanksgiving so much.  Our signature picture at the beginning of each post was taken in Camp Gail last year on Thanksgiving weekend, and I plan to take another one this year.

My favorite holiday is almost upon us, and after nine years, I can say I no longer dread holidays.  I welcome them, and savor the memories from so many blessed years with my parents.  I still miss them, though.

If you are missing a loved one, I wish you this peace I now feel.

If your family struggles to find harmony on holidays, I wish you peace as well.   Consider, if possible, seeing your family through their eyes for just a moment, or just for the day.

Give thanks.  Be grateful.  Express gratitude for the little things, as well as the big things.  Because the little things, as you already know, are what the big things are made of.

**********************************

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In loving memory of Mildred.  I am thankful I had the privilege of getting to know her.  She left an incredible legacy of love for all of us to carry forward.  May her family feel peace at their Thanksgiving table, and every day.

*****************************

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Any woman who was a sister to another woman posed for this impromptu picture.

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Gail with her family.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

 

 

LOADS OF SISTERS

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LOADS OF SISTERS

Sisterhood at its finest is what I aim to celebrate with each blog post.  Typically, this means I write about my sisters, but sometimes we need to share the spotlight with other sisters.

This week, I have done just that.

Gail, Suzanne and I met Friday for Mildred’s funeral.  Mildred, like a handful of other caring, thoughtful and loving matriarchs, opened her heart, home and holidays to us in our time of need.

23722256_1916446531703595_125398390426261805_n[1]

Gail’s mother-in-law lived fully, loved even more deeply, and left an incredible legacy of peace, positivity and optimism to her entire family.  On a beautiful November day with full sun, near record-high temperatures and—much to Gail and Suzanne’s chagrin—absolutely no wind, Mildred was memorialized in this small town where Gail, Suzanne and I were born.

23755207_1916441385037443_2782616651379994983_n[1]

Mom and Dad lived there from 2000 until they died in 2008.  Both Gail and Suzanne had lived there as well.  Tana and Amy (Swheat Girls Part Two, dated July 9th) were born there, and spent their early childhood years there, too.

The service left only a few dry eyes in the church, and the burial concluded with this spectacular sight:

23621243_1917093544972227_192189057894714912_n[1]

We all returned to the church, and enjoyed the unparalleled cuisine of a small-town church potluck lunch, complete with homemade desserts.  Gathering outdoors in the beautiful weather became the obvious order for the rest of the day.

Gail’s three daughters hadn’t been together for some time.  They, too, celebrated their sisterhood today:

23561685_1916443925037189_4362466890465211190_n[1]

Lisa (right), who also married into the family, celebrated with her sister today too.

23622031_1916442971703951_6958717363852325525_n1.jpg

Mildred’s daughters, who weren’t old enough to lose their mother—no one ever is, if you recall from last week, are now the matriarchs of the family.  My heart breaks for them.

23622373_1916440255037556_6973531112355038773_n[1]

When Mildred was just ten years old, her world was effectively rocked by the arrival of—surprise—twin sisters.  She was an only child until then. Mary, Martha and Mildred became perhaps as close as Gail, Suzanne and me.  They traveled, had fun, bent the rules, laughed, spread joy, and drew even closer as Mildred neared the end of her life.

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Besides Gail’s three daughters, Mildred’s other granddaughters are left to help their mothers carry on her legacy.

23561367_1916439838370931_3844604989635182932_n[1]

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Even the great-nieces will carry Mildred’s memory forward.

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Mildred’s family didn’t let the beautiful November weather pass them by.

23561512_1916438718371043_2352931313381835316_n[1]

23621223_1916438451704403_5531035888319148986_n[1]

The window pictured in that small gap in the trees in the center of the above picture is the house my parents lived in, just across the street and across an open lot.  Mildred, Mom and Dad couldn’t have asked for better neighbors in each other.

****************

Suzanne and I were chauffeured to Osborne by my husband.  We savored the beautiful Kansas landscape along the way, with next year’s wheat crop just getting its start.

23561538_1916446861703562_1103632209898758194_n[1]

We stopped in Lucas to partake of the sights, and to procure some of the locally famous bologna and cheese from Brant’s Meat Market.

In operation since 1922, Doug Brant is handing the reigns to his daughter carry this family legacy forward as one of the few remaining authentic meat counters in Kansas.  Our dad was one of his regulars, and Dad’s local conversational legacy is still alive and well at Brant’s.  He remembers Dad, and he remembers us.  We remember how good his homemade treats are.

23561818_1916437045037877_3404023941761579431_n[1]

No trip to Lucas is complete without a stop at Bowl Plaza, voted second best restroom in the world on World Toilet Day in 2014.

23621291_1917150591633189_6355218809654899101_n[1]

The contest was sponsored by the United Nations and Cintas to increase awareness of worldwide sanitation.  This free, public restroom has been recognized for its uniqueness and flair.

For me, it provides a welcome rest stop on my travels in this direction, but more importantly, it validates my favorite expression of art:  mosaic art with all degrees of randomness included.

Life is often random, so art like this makes perfect sense to me.

23621294_1917151051633143_1180606570708035514_n[1]

23561787_1917160198298895_7148414135914596852_n[1]

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Next time, I swear I will make time to stop at the other world-famous attraction there:  J.P. Dinsmoor’s Garden of Eden.

23622524_1917150004966581_5632295958893789615_n[1]

**************************

The holidays officially begin this week.  I know from heart-wrenching experience that this can be the hardest time of year for the newly grieving.

If it is your first year without a loved one, please consider this perspective:  Although the pain  never fully goes away, this first year is a blueprint.  We have no idea what to expect on the first round of birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, but when we survive the first year of all those special days, we can say I made it.  I will make it again.  We now have a foundation of what to expect in future years, and while each year is different in its own right, each year you move forward makes you another year stronger.

I am celebrating Thanksgiving Day with my husband’s family, and then we will spend the weekend at Gail’s for her much-anticipated annual Turkey Party.  It is a large part of the reason why I love Thanksgiving so much.  Our signature picture at the beginning of each post was taken in Camp Gail last year on Thanksgiving weekend, and I plan to take another one this year.

My favorite holiday is almost upon us, and after nine years, I can say I no longer dread holidays.  I welcome them, and savor the memories from so many blessed years with my parents.  I still miss them, though.

If you are missing a loved one, I wish you this peace I now feel.

If your family struggles to find harmony on holidays, I wish you peace as well.   Consider, if possible, seeing your family through their eyes for just a moment, or just for the day.

Give thanks.  Be grateful.  Express gratitude for the little things, as well as the big things.  Because the little things, as you already know, are what the big things are made of.

**********************************

23722705_1917641581584090_1822492349297903758_n[1]

In loving memory of Mildred.  I am thankful I had the privilege of getting to know her.  She left an incredible legacy of love for all of us to carry forward.  May her family feel peace at their Thanksgiving table, and every day.

*****************************

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Any woman who was a sister to another woman posed for this impromptu picture.

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Gail with her family.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

 

 

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

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THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

A tire.  Your eyeball.  The moon.  A donut.  A steering wheel.

The answer is:  they are all circular.  The question I sometimes pose to my stroke patients is what do all these have in common?

Sometimes after a stroke or some other neurological condition, it is difficult for my speech therapy patients to see such relationships, and even more difficult to verbalize the answer.

If we add the word LIFE to the list above,  we may struggle for a moment to fully acknowledge the relationship.  It, too, is a circle.

Unlike the list of objects in the first line, life, however, does have a beginning and an end.

Just like I said it might, the baby came soon after I posted my last blog.  Moments after I hit the publish button, we got the word that they were on their way to the hospital.  At 11:02 p.m., exactly five hours after I posted, Finn Matthew was born, and we are grandparents again.

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He is perfect, of course, and his mother—and father and sister are doing well too.

finn family

The circle begins again.

******************

The days are getting cooler, the sunlight is waning, and my skin is drying out—again.  Mercifully, the trees are giving us a few weeks of beautiful splendor.  Mother Nature is showing off once again; a grand finale before she puts them to rest for the winter.  They spend the next five months or so in  dormant state, making plans, thinking, rejuvenating, resting and renewing.

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It has taken me a long time, and it becomes a little bit easier every year when my beloved summer has gone, but I, too, try to make the most of those dormant months.  I know the Great Circle will bring summer back; it seems to arrive more quickly each year as I age.  In the meantime, I think a lot, make plans to be carried out when it is warm again. I try to rest and renew.

The darkest nights always give way to another sunrise.  The storms always clear and calm returns.  The cold may last six months, but the heat always returns and bathes us.  When the wind, ice, lightning and rain take away, the human community always bonds together to give back to those who are suffering.

The circle continues.

Where one life begins, another ends.

Finn entered the world a week ago, adding to our family.  My family has grown, and at the same time, Gail’s family is preparing for a loss.  Her beloved mother-in-law is not expected to survive much longer.  Her illness has progressed, and their family is saying a sad goodbye.

Finn arrived into the world from a quiet, dark place, into a bustle of noise and lights, strong hands, and a complete lack of familiarity.  He soon met his mother, father and sister, and the circle inched forward.

They hold him, care for him and feed him, but most of all, they love him.  The entire family gathers.   It is so easy to greet a baby with such acts of love.

When the circle of life nears completion, the same thing happens.  The family holds them, feeds them, cares for them but most of all, they love them.  The entire family gathers.  The roles are reversed, and the family prepares for loss, not gain.  It can be a very hard act of love to prepare to say goodbye.

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I believe in Heaven.  I believe there is a place beyond this earthly realm that is free of all evil, a place that is an unfathomable, fabulous evolution of love and the human spirit.  I believe these two elements of mortal life must carry on in some way.  They are not accidental or secondary by-products of human life.  They are why we are here.

I respect your beliefs if they do not agree with mine, but for just a moment, please suspend them and think about this point my mother made about death many years before her own:  if  babies could choose to stay in the womb where it is comfortable and familiar–not that they could–they likely would.  If they did, however, they would miss this incredible world that awaits them.  The transition from womb to birth may be painful, but it is necessary to move on.  Such is birth.

We don’t know what awaits us after this world, but if we could choose to stay here–not that we could–we would miss out on something so spectacular that is far beyond any life here, even if the crossing over painful.   Such is death.

We are given perhaps the tiniest morsels; small tastes of the beauty that may await us:

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Another perfect circle.

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Opposite the beautiful moonrise is another beautiful sunset at the closing of another day.

And, as promised, it is always followed by a splendid beginning to yet another day.

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Another perfect circle rising.

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My daily Word of the Day arrived in my inbox moments ago.  Atemporal:  without limitations of time.  

We measure time in seconds, hours, days, seasons, years; lifetimes.  Each one begins, ends, then starts again.  We know no other means of measurement.

Except when we say hello to a new life, or say goodbye to a loved one.  Time stops for that one moment; we are not limited by it.

And then we go on.

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